What Would Cyndi Claws Do?

It's Halloween and you know what that means - everyone finds their inner skank (inner tranny for the guys) and haunted houses sprout up like Starbucks. I've grown not to like those houses-0-scare since they're all pretty much the same; you try not to wet yourself while the teen behind the zombie mask plays grab-ass. And, being L.A., the scares begin with parking. Muahahaha.

Well, this year brought me to Hollywood Hellhouse. It's a fusion (this city loves fusion) of haunted house and theater. The house is what used to be an Acapulco restaurant and this does not escape you since the cheesy, Tex-Mex carpeting remains. Your very own demon, horns and all, guides you through the house to view separate acts such as a rave rape, a slumber party murder, and a botched abortion. Although a messenger of Lucifer himself, our demon was a riot with quite the karaoke skills. The skits are funny because of the sheer absurdity of it's cautionary tales, like don't indulge in role playing games or don't be gay. In the end, we get to meet J.C. himself. Sweet! There we learn that even in the afterlife, we can't escape the dreaded velvet rope and clipboard (although the clipboard is the Book of Life and the velvet rope is the pearly gates of Heaven).

As with all battles between good and evil, there would be a reckoning. Angels clashed with demons in a battle for our soul. We, as mortals, had a choice to make: If we choose Satan, we are sure to be stabbed. If we choose Jesus, we dine on endless donut holes. Naturally, we chose donut holes! Our choice led us through double doors and we were greeted by the glorious sounds of " Mmm bop, ba duba dop. Ba du bop, ba duba dop. Yeah, yeah." Ah, the wonderful music of Hanson...we definitely made the right choice.

So what have we learned? Well, you don't have to have the shit scared out of you in order to enjoy All Hallows Eve. You can also valet. But maybe the most important thing we learned was don't be gay. Or a Jew, I'm pretty sure they mentioned something about that as well.

http://www.hollywoodhellhouse.com/